Seeing myself anew after breast cancer

Hello, everyone. I'm sharing my story with the hope that if it reaches someone facing a similar situation in life, it might help them overcome their fear, or simply offer some support.

Moving to another country, everything unfamiliar and difficult, it felt as if all the good things were already behind me. During that time I was harder on myself than usual. I took ordinary difficulties as a sign that I couldn't cope, and along with that came a sense of guilt, toward myself and toward my family. Thoughts about my own unfulfilled potential kept surfacing. Gradually I got used to it, but a persistent dissatisfaction with myself took root. I went on living and tried not to pay it any attention. There was no sense of lightness or joy.

Perhaps, as a consequence, came the diagnosis.

I remember it clearly: the ultrasound room, and the doctor holding two stacks of scans. "This one is benign. And this is cancer. And this is what you have..." It was laid out so plainly that there was nothing left to ask.

I walked out of the clinic unable to get my bearings in space. I could barely find the parking lot where I'd left my car. Then I realized I'd lost my car keys somewhere along the way. It felt as though I had stepped into another reality.

After that, everything moved as if in a dream: the long, exhausting wait for biopsy results, more tests, surgery, treatment plans, and then more tests again.

Over time I found acceptance, I exhaled, and I even felt proud of how well I was handling it. My doctor recommended seeing an oncopsychologist. I went, out of habit of listening to doctors, though I was fully convinced I didn't need it. I was strong, I'd handled everything, I was the brave one.

The oncopsychologist told me that while my state seemed good right now, in about six months it might all come crashing down. And that is exactly what happened. Hormonal changes and the stress I'd been carrying brought on depression, anxiety, and panic attacks.

I came to understand that treating the illness and recovering as a person afterward are two entirely different processes.

I decided to commit myself seriously to recovery and to build a new, vivid, healthy life. I began searching online for stories of other women who had been through this and were now living happily. But I couldn't find many life-affirming stories.

So, setting aside all the negativity, I started with a complete renewal, with accepting myself fully. I took up yoga, began reading more fiction as a way to unwind, and started traveling. I renovated my home. Being around people, new places, a refreshed home environment: all of it gave me that sense of renewal, joy, and new possibility.

The shock of what I'd been through slowly faded. After the surgeries, the exams, the endless doctors' visits, exhaustion set in. But once the hardest part was behind me, it was as if I found a second wind, a longing for total renewal. I wanted to live a full life, rich with vivid emotion and plans for the future.

I came back to myself.

I stopped tormenting myself over not getting everything done, or not looking a certain way, or saying the wrong thing, even though, more often than not, no one around me had noticed any of it in the first place. So much of it lives only in our own heads.

I never felt deep dissatisfaction with my body. I tried to stay active and watch my weight.

When I learned I would need a mastectomy, with the option of reconstructive surgery afterward, I accepted it calmly. Now I know my own particularities and imperfections, and they aren't a problem for me. We are all different, and none of us is obligated to fit some template or standard.

Time passed, and the opportunity came to take part in a photo story.

Why did I decide to do it? I think it was a wonderful chance to try something new, to see myself from the outside, in unfamiliar images.

I felt a rush of drive, energy, and positive emotion. Stepping outside my comfort zone, I felt as though I'd found a new path within my own story. It filled me with joy and inspiration.

When I first saw the photos from that shoot, my emotions were mixed. I didn't recognize myself at first, and then I felt joy, studying and getting to know the woman in the pictures.
Who is this girl? Is that really me? Yes, it's me. Am I really like that? How wonderful.

I'm grateful to the team at Age Aesthetics for that whole spectrum of emotion and for the place I find myself in now. It brought me the understanding that it's never too late to try, to take risks, and to find joy in discovering a different version of yourself.

Whatever situation life brings you, turn toward yourself, don't lose hope, and believe that everything will surely turn out well. Thank you all. 🙏